After more than six months since the Halpert submarine went missing the search for signs of the wreckage has been called of (this is a formality, as the search in earnest only lasted about 45 minutes).

Those of us who wasted our time scanning the briny horizon for Carlton’s distinctive periscope can now return to our normal lives. Those of us who pretended to look for survivors can stop pretending.

In case it is of interest to any of our readers we have included a snippet of time-lapse footage from one of the search cameras. With more than 4,000 hours of footage recorded by each camera it is highly unlikely that anyone will ever bother to watch all of it (which begs the question, “why bother?”) but the clip below does include some ducks, so that is better than nothing.

On behalf of the entire staff of Halpert Maritime Salvage it is my solemn duty to extend our deepest condolences to those who will miss the Halperts. And, as soon as anyone fitting that description is found, I will do so.

Yours swimmingly

Thorston Hedgepeth, Captain

On behalf of the Twenty Paces Collective it is my sad responsibility to inform you all of the (mostly) untimely passing of the Halpert Family. Those who knew them will understand the irony of the fact that they were taken from us during their annual submarine vacation.

The last recorded words of the clan’s patriarch, Carlton, were, “Don’t talk to me about SONAR, I know perfectly well how to operate this thing. Don’t you think I’d know if there was a gargantuan squid bearing down upon the vessel, its heart filled with cephalopodic rage and a yearning for human flesh?”

We can only assume that all-hands were lost in the ensuing melee. No trace of the vessel has been found, but since it did not arrive at its destination in Antarctica and no word has been heard for more than six months we must accept the worst.

In the weeks ahead various members of Twenty Paces will be posting their thoughts and feelings about this “tragedy”, along with some amusing anecdotes that will shed light on the Halpert Family, a family that has been a blight upon this earth for far too long.

I know that sounds harsh, but someone had to say it.

Please feel free to use the comments section below to express your emotions at this news.

For my part I will drown my sorrows in a rich broth of claret, nostalgia and calamari.

Georg

You’ll know it when you see it.

The Halpert Clan has been blessed with a modicum of artistic skill, a bucketful of enthusiasm and an almost unlimited supply of free time. The results are mixed, from Baxter’s very abstract, and frankly offensive, “Meat Installations” to Servilia’s more conventional “Sheepless Paintings.”

My own work is fairly mundane. I craft statuary from bronze, tin and various zinc alloys. These statues are then installed by Halpert Maritime Salvage in underwater locations around the world. My intent is that none of my work should ever be seen by human eyes. So far, so good.

But, we can put it off no longer. Here are the final eight verses of The I Ching Haiku Project. Submitted for your disapprobation.

Artful

*

57/64

¦||¦||

I’ve nearly finished
my full-scale sculpture of a
hydrogen atom

*

58/64

||¦||¦

His bold new stage name
“Tranquilizer Doolittle”
tells the whole story

*

59/64

¦|¦¦||

The poly-dactyl
finger-painter will require
a larger canvas

*

60/64

||¦¦|¦

Misguided artist
recoloring the highway
with a black Sharpie

*

61/64

||¦¦||

Retired auctioneer
can finally live his dream
and become a mime

*

62/64

¦¦||¦¦

A fatalistic
world-view executed with
pointillistic brush

*

63/64

|¦|¦|¦

River you must cross:
your finished work will become
a product for sale

*

64/64

¦|¦|¦|

The artist steps back
sees a tiny flaw, breaks down
time to start again

*

Well, that was an unspeakable waste of everyone’s time. Let’s do it again soon!

What will my next haiku undertaking be? 256 verses on the different shades of grey? A haiku for every country on the planet? Perhaps one for each species of beetle? Someone stop me, for my own sake.

Carlton

☰ ☱ ☲ ☳ ☴ ☵ ☶ ☷

Part Eight of The I Ching Haiku Project committed atrocities in the vicinity of the following hexagrams…

• 57/64. ¦||¦|| Ground, The Gentle, Subtle Influence
• 58/64. ||¦||¦ Open, The Joyous, Overt Influence
• 59/64. ¦|¦¦|| Dispersing, Dispersion, Dispersal
• 60/64. ||¦¦|¦ Articulating, Limitation, Discipline
• 61/64. ||¦¦|| Confirming Inner Truth, Avoid Misrepresentation
• 62/64. ¦¦||¦¦ Small, Exceeding Small, Small Surpassing
• 63/64. |¦|¦|¦ Already Fording, After Completion, Completion
• 64/64. ¦|¦|¦| Not-Yet Fording, Before Completion, Incompletion

Unlike some people who limit their efforts to saving creatures and habitat, I have taken a more proactive approach. The good people of Halpert Life Sciences (and their evil colleagues) are hard at work perfecting new creatures that will be robust enough to survive on a warming planet, along with some that are just plain cute.

Naturally science is not without its risks, I’ve already apologized for “The Vampire Penguin Incident” and suspect that before too long I’ll be contrite about “Scorplion” too.

All this is preamble to the business of the day, eight new haiku for The I Ching Haiku Project, this set inspired by the Animal Kingdom.

Zoology

*

49/64

|¦|||¦

Zoo renovations
spell an end to polar bears
on white-painted rocks

*

50/64

¦|||¦|

On the ocean floor
is a dark boiling cauldron
evolving new life

*

51/64

|¦¦|¦¦

Fingers tap on glass
koala opens one eye
and then flips me off

*

52/64

¦¦|¦¦|

A lump in his throat
python denies knowledge of
the missing zoo vet

*

53/64

¦¦|¦||

Regretting his choice
he shuffles on through the pack
sheep in wolf’s clothing

*

54/64

||¦|¦¦

Short-sighted penguin
makes amorous advances
to bewildered nun

*

55/64

|¦||¦¦

Amoeba census
becoming more difficult
exponentially

*

56/64

¦¦||¦|

Flying overhead
observing the sorry scene
an albatross soars

*

Well, that was the penultimate set of eight. I feel as though I should be feeling either exhausted or euphoric, but no. The pervading feeling is one of boredom, perhaps a dab of ennui too. How are you doing? The fact that you’ve read all the way to the bottom of the page is probably a warning sign. It might be prudent to go outside and get some air.

I’m only thinking of your health.

Good day,

Carlton

☰ ☱ ☲ ☳ ☴ ☵ ☶ ☷

You know the drill by now. Here are the eight hexagrams that were the carrion upon which the haiku above fed greedily.

• 49/64. |¦|||¦ Revolution, Abolishing the Old
• 50/64. ¦|||¦| Holding, The Cauldron, Establishing the New
• 51/64. |¦¦|¦¦ Shake, Arousing, Mobilizing
• 52/64. ¦¦|¦¦| Bound, The Keeping Still, Immobility
• 53/64. ¦¦|¦|| Infiltrating, Development, Auspicious Outlook
• 54/64. ||¦|¦¦ Converting, The Maiden, The Marrying Maiden
• 55/64. |¦||¦¦ Abounding, Abundance, Ambition Achieve
• 56/64. ¦¦||¦| Sojourning, The Wanderer, Travel

That said, I readily admit to having the musical talent of a raccoon in a 55 gallon barrel. This musical talent-void is not confined to me, there have been no recorded instances of any Halpert having even the lightest hint of skill. However, that has never stopped us from trying, often with hideous (possibly criminal) results.

My family have produced two musical “offerings” in recent years, the much maligned “Klitschko! Klitschko!” and the soon to be maligned “A Christmas Carol Channing”.

The next set of eight haiku in the I Ching Haiku Project are inspired by my life-long experience as a member of the audience, a passive spectator at the feet of those I cannot hope to emulate.

Cacophony

*

41/64

||¦¦¦|

The bank balance shrinks
in embarrassment at the
convenience charge

*

42/64

|¦¦¦||

Insecurity
size, shyness, ideal for job
in security

*

43/64

|||||¦

The band derailed by
creative differences
and lack of talent

*

44/64

¦|||||

Children can’t fathom
that the crones who spawned them met
at Iggy Pop’s house

*

45/64

¦¦¦||¦

The festival crowd
can’t name a single band here
and couldn’t care less

*

46/64

¦||¦¦¦

Lifted on the crowd
flying over the music
crushed by the bouncers

*

47/64

¦|¦||¦

One thing’s for sure, he
will sleep the sleep of the just
released from prison

*

48/64

¦||¦|¦

Thirty six minutes
waiting in line to purchase
a nine dollar beer

*

By my count we only have two more days of this nonsense to endure. Be strong my friends, you can do it.

Adios,

Carlton

☰ ☱ ☲ ☳ ☴ ☵ ☶ ☷

This set of haiku, number six of a planned eight, took the following hexagrams to task…

• 41/64. ||¦¦¦| Diminishing, Decrease
• 42/64. |¦¦¦|| Augmenting, Increase, Size
• 43/64. |||||¦ Parting, Breakthrough, Separation
• 44/64. ¦||||| Coupling, Coming to Meet, Encountering
• 45/64. ¦¦¦||¦ Clustering, Gathering Together, Companionship
• 46/64. ¦||¦¦¦ Ascending, Pushing Upward, Growing Upward
• 47/64. ¦|¦||¦ Confining, Oppression, Exhaustion
• 48/64. ¦||¦|¦ Welling, The Well, Replenishing, Renewal

But, never let it be said that I have lost touch with the common man. Indeed, I went “undercover” as a worker at one of the labs recently (conducting research of my own). During the three days I spent amongst the proletariat I observed many strange rites and rituals, several of which informed today’s set of eight haiku.

(If any of my employees are reading this and believe that they recognize themselves in the characters, please rest assured that this is not the case, I meant the other Paul).

Workers

*

33/64

¦¦||||

Melting ice-cream cake
in meeting room seven for
Mort’s farewell party

*

34/64

||||¦¦

Memory of sharks
as we mentally measure
the empty office

*

35/64

¦¦¦|¦|

Imagination
runs wild as they all picture
their rise to power

*

36/64

|¦|¦¦¦

Overlooked again
why can’t they see he’s better
than the other clones?

*

37/64

|¦|¦||

Back at the homestead
there must be thirty seven
hungry mouths to feed

*

38/64

||¦|¦|

In the frozen field
his heart beats faster as he
hacks apart firewood

*

39/64

¦¦|¦|¦

Here comes Paul again
wants to discuss “the future”
now that he’s the boss

*

40/64

¦|¦|¦¦

Pithy discussion
of the weather, of the job
and where to stick it

*

Normally I’d conclude a section with a few lines of chipper prose, to tide you over until tomorrow. However, I’ve been advised by my legal counsel not to say anything more about the haiku above, not until we settle the case.

Cheerio,

Carlton

☰ ☱ ☲ ☳ ☴ ☵ ☶ ☷

The Fifth installment of the dire enterprise known as “The I Ching Haiku Project” did injustice to these hexagrams…

• 33/64. ¦¦|||| Retiring, Retreat, Withdrawing
• 34/64. ||||¦¦ Great Invigorating, Great Power, Great Boldness
• 35/64. ¦¦¦|¦| Prospering, Progress, Expansion, Promotion
• 36/64. |¦|¦¦¦ Brightness, Darkening of the Light, Brilliance Injured
• 37/64. |¦|¦|| Dwelling, People, The Family
• 38/64. ||¦|¦| Polarizing, Opposition, Division, Divergence
• 39/64. ¦¦|¦|¦ Limping Obstruction, Halting, Hardship
• 40/64. ¦|¦|¦¦ Taking-Apart, Deliverance, Liberation, Solution

It will come as no surprise then to learn that the next eight haiku in the I Ching set are inspired by the sea, or more specifically by the experience of visiting a good aquarium.

For those of you just joining us, this is Day Four of an 8-day project. Against the protests of all right-thinking free-people I am attempting to write a haiku (or should that be “an haiku”?) for each of the hexagrams in the I Ching. Why? Good question, I can’t remember, seemed like a good idea when I started.

Aquaria

*

25/64

|¦¦|||

Their first date will be
an innocent lap around
the aquarium

*

26/64

|||¦¦|

Behind inch-thick glass
ten thousand small silver fish
all school together

*

27/64

|¦¦¦¦|

Goldfish are destroyed
by small snapping, gnashing mouths
kids eating crackers

*

28/64

¦||||¦

The shark looks outward
and seems to approve, showing
rows and rows of teeth

*

29/64

¦|¦¦|¦

In an ink-black tank
something with tentacles squirms
glowing temptingly

*

30/64

|¦||¦|

Leech of The Month Club
subscriptions can’t be canceled
so, good luck, suckers!

*

31/64

¦¦|||¦

Watching the water
and the drama unfolding
their hands intertwine

*

32/64

¦|||¦¦

The lungfish pauses
takes a deep breath and decides
to keep evolving

*

Phew. Halfway there. I could use a snack. What say I call Shuttleford and ask him to make us all a refreshing glass of mulled wine?

No?

Suit yourself.

Until tomorrow,

Carlton

☰ ☱ ☲ ☳ ☴ ☵ ☶ ☷

Part Four of “The Idiots Guide To Idiots” AKA “The I Ching Haiku Project” abused the following eight hexagrams…

• 25/64. |¦¦||| Without Embroiling, Innocence Without Rashness
• 26/64. |||¦¦| Great Accumulating, Accumulating Wisdom
• 27/64. |¦¦¦¦| Swallowing, Mouth, Seeking Nourishment
• 28/64. ¦||||¦ Great Exceeding, Great Preponderance
• 29/64. ¦|¦¦|¦ Gorge, The Abysmal Water, Darkness
• 30/64. |¦||¦| Radiance, The Clinging, Attachment
• 31/64. ¦¦|||¦ Conjoining, Influence, Attraction
• 32/64. ¦|||¦¦ Persevering, Duration

My daughter, Angina has long petitioned her parents to be allowed plastic surgery. Most people would assume that this is because she is embarrassed about being the female half of a set of identical twins. Although that does trouble her, the root of her low-self esteem is the fact that the entire family refers to her identical brother, Penelope, as “The Pretty One”.

The following eight verses are in no way inspired by Angina’s plight. Ahem.

Surgery

*

17/64

|¦¦||¦

The other woman
in the train car has bright eyes
and a perfect nose

*

18/64

¦||¦¦|

Doctor will repair
whatever he decides is
wrong with you today

*

19/64

||¦¦¦¦

When the lightning strikes
creature on the table moves
and the doctor smiles

*

20/64

¦¦¦¦||

Proofing the brochures
at the neighborhood blood bank
typo, negative

*

21/64

|¦¦|¦|

Biting her nails down
wonders if she might have been
too quick to the cut

*

22/64

|¦|¦¦|

Touched-up photos
on the waiting room walls are
blurred myths and monsters

*

23/64

¦¦¦¦¦|

The scalpel cuts in
peeling away layers of
her identity

*

24/64

|¦¦¦¦¦

Bandages removed
and she looks in the mirror
wants her own face back

*

So, what have we learned? That I’m not very fond of plastic surgery? Perhaps. That I got a bit confused there in the middle and ended up doing a couple of Dr. Frankenstein things? Yes, almost certainly.

I’m getting sleepy. Shuttleford, bring the car around, I’ll head back to the castle

Auf wiedersehen,

Carlton

☰ ☱ ☲ ☳ ☴ ☵ ☶ ☷

Part Three of the Ill-Advised I Ching Haiku Project maligned these Hexagrams…

• 17/64. |¦¦||¦ Following
• 18/64. ¦||¦¦| Corrupting, Work on the Decayed, Repairing
• 19/64. ||¦¦¦¦ Nearing, Approaching Goal, Arriving
• 20/64. ¦¦¦¦|| Viewing, Contemplation, The Withholding
• 21/64. |¦¦|¦| Gnawing, Biting Through, Deciding
• 22/64. |¦|¦¦| Adorning, Grace, Embellishing
• 23/64. ¦¦¦¦¦| Stripping, Stripping, Flaying
• 24/64. |¦¦¦¦¦ Returning, Return